The first mistake most make is to think that physical orgasm should always be the ultimate goal and the one thing that proves we have enjoyed ourselves or pleased our partners. While physical orgasm tends to be considered the desired result of sexual intimacy, there is a much deeper reality when it comes to sex and sexuality. The most important sex organ is not between our legs but in our brains which power up the engine behind our sexual desires. In fact, our bodies are so amazingly created to the image of perfection that even when a person is paralyzed and/or no longer can achieve physical orgasm, the body seems to find new pleasure channels. All the energy fired up by the brain to which the genitals no longer respond actually goes somewhere. The body creates a new erogenous zone able and ready to respond to sexual pleasure perhaps mimicking the energy of genitalia. All it takes is for two people who desire each other enough to discover new erotic pleasures
Most men make the mistake of thinking orgasm through penetration is what a woman always wants. Sadly, because of all the taboos and shame imposed upon our female bodies, most women have never experienced self-pleasuring or other forms of sexual exploration therefore missing out on discovering the wonders of their own bodies. In the case of women with “disabilities” the first thing we need to realize is that we are no lesser women, no lesser lovers if we are not able to achieve physical orgasm. As women we are naturally blessed with the nurture and passion that allows us to fulfill ourselves in intimacy whether there are “fireworks” or not. True pleasure in lovemaking for women is less about sex and more about love and emotional connection.
The world needs to know that the disabled body can also love with the same intensity of physical orgasm…one that is often felt with the heart and with all other senses which most people ignore because of the performance obsession, or the social expectations and all other taboos that burden and block the true reality of what sexual pleasure should be about.
The more we know our own bodies the more confident lovers we will become. Nobody will ever know our needs more than we do, and this is even true when our needs are met through assistance by others. Nobody will ever feel exactly what you feel and how you feel it. Knowing our bodies means we know not only our abilities but also our limitations. It means being aware of how our body responds and reacts to physical experience. While the concept of knowing our bodies may sound easy, the truth is that even nondisabled women know little about their bodies as it relates to sexuality.
Most of us are taught and conditioned to treat our genitals with shame or indifference. While men’s genitals are naturally outspoken and easy to view, our female anatomy is not something we come face to face with on regular basis. And it is also something we have been encouraged to not explore or be truly familiar with. This is even more so the case for women with disabilities. Think about it, when was the last time you saw your vagina? How do you feel about purposely trying to look at it with a mirror? How does the thought of doing this make you feel? I think, sadly, most women might respond in disgust or would think the act of seeing one’s vagina is silly or ridiculous. But this very step is an important one as it relates to being familiar with our bodies. I encourage every woman to make an effort to look at her vagina at least once and to try to do it with love rather than with repulsion and fear. We must learn how to pour love and acceptance towards the natural beauty of our womanhood. Looking at my own vagina helped me feel beautiful and womanly. It gave me a sense of sexiness which I am able to transfer to my moments of desire.
When we feel our vagina is beautiful and sexy, this same feeling will be picked up by a lover. The same is also true for negative feelings that stem from shame and self-loathing. How can we expect our lovers to find us desirable when we don’t feel the same about ourselves? We must go back to that basic rule of how the others will see us the way we see ourselves. I recognize that it is, indeed, harder for women with disabilities to develop a positive body image. We have less exposure to positive comments about our bodies. We have less representation of sexy and disability in our everyday life. The negative messages being fed to us by society are constant reminders of how “imperfect” we are as women. Yes, getting to know and love our bodies is an uphill quest, but once we reach the top, it is so worth it. Needless to say, sisters, I encourage you to practice learning about your body, the way it feels, the way it looks, the way it moves, the way it communicates. Knowing our bodies is empowering and liberating. And it does make us better lovers because we will be sharing ourselves from a position of empowerment which is what sexy is all about.