Internalized Ableism
by Maria R. Palacios
Internalized ableism is
believing the lies we have been told about our bodies,
believing that nobody will love us or want us,
believing we are damaged
and broken
because others have said we are.
Internalized ableism is
negating ourselves the right to say no,
denying ourselves the right to say yes
or saying yes when we should say no,
or saying no when we should say yes
because we’ve been made afraid to trust
ourselves.
Internalized ableism is
the thick extra layer of skin we grow
in order to not get wounded
by the voices that say we’re imperfect, and worthless
and undesirable.
It is staying silent
to comments made without thinking
or made while thinking it’s ok
because we believe them too.
Internalized ableism is
allowing others to define our truths
and explaining our bodies
as an apology….as a mistake.
It is that little voice inside our heads
negating things we want to yell out, but can’t
because our inner cripple is not yet liberated.
Internalized ableism is
focusing on walking again,
or seeing again,
or being able-bodied again while throwing away
a perfectly livable life because we’ve been led to believe
our lives as disabled people have no worth unless they’re attached
to an able-bodied goal, or an able-bodied dream.
Internalized ableism is
refusing to see our lives as lovable and powerful
and beautiful, and painting our disabled lives
with an able-bodied brush.
Internalized ableism is
being in a rush to prove ourselves as nondisabled
and judging those whose disabilities can’t be
as well disguised, or whose bodies can’t wear
the outfits of “normality” disabled people must wear
in order to fit in,
It is
judging other disabled people for not working or for not living
the able-bodied lies that push us to try to be
“normal”. Believing that if we can work, every disabled person can work,
If we drive,
every disabled person can drive.
Internalized ableism is
wearing our invented able-bodied privilege
as a badge of inspiration while justifying the oppression
of others like us,
and enjoying the freedom given to us by the advocacy of crips who carry the burden of our shame.
Internalized ableism is
not recognizing that independence
is something many disabled people are still fighting for,
or not recognizing when our rights are being wronged
because, deep down, we are convinced
others know better
about what’s good for us.
Internalized ableism is
not being outraged about the invasion
of our disabled lives,
allowing able-bodied people
to make choices for us….choices
we are capable of making ourselves,
choices
we have the right to make.
Internalized ableism is
believing that our bodies
are incapable of pleasure,
allowing others to define how we should define
pleasure
because many people believe
broken bodies don’t feel
broken bodies don’t give,
broken minds don’t understand
Love,
intimacy
sensuality.
Internalized ableism is
denying our own sexuality,
or turning able-bodied lovers into heroes for sleeping with us
because sex with a disabled person is some sort of sacrifice,
something that deserves respect
or an Amen
because sex with a cripple is got to earn you some heaven brownie points
even at the risk of sin.
Internalized ableism is
body shaming,
crip shaming,
using disability as a bad word,
using disability as a double edge sword
that cuts deep into our own fears.
Internalized ableism is
holding back the tears
that would allow us to heal,
accepting other people’s definition of beauty
and referring to our bodies
in a language not reflective of love.
It is
not knowing how to love our differences,
not recognizing our uniqueness
as the one thing that makes us whole
while believing that wholeness must always equal able-bodiedness,
must always mean going back to pre-disabled form
because that’s the norm and nothing else will do. Otherwise
we have
no value, no purpose,
no reason to live.
Internalized ableism is
seeing disability as something
we always have to overcome.
It is
becoming passive witnesses to the struggles of others like us
or saying that we’ve never been oppressed
while saying “those people” even though we’re one of them.
Internalized ableism is
labeling each other,
putting each other down,
segregating ourselves into little groups that farther label us
as we fail to recognize that, in the end,
we, really, are
fighting the same war.
Internalized ableism is
pretending that the hierarchy of self-actualization
is applicable to crips,
forgetting that in the crip hierarchy of actualization
access and inclusion
are at the base of everything
otherwise we cannot actually actualize our-selves
no matter how hard we may try.
Internalized ableism is ignoring all that
and judging other disabled people
for nor forcing themselves into outfits of social acceptance
not tailored for disabled bodies.
Internalized ableism is
believing that we have to wear them any way
because that way others can see us
as one of them
but only in our eyes
because disability
doesn’t lie.
Our crip truths are always louder
than what whatever words we use
to disguise ourselves
in the non-disabled world.
Internalized ableism is
erroneously believing that the nondisabled world
is the only world that matters.
It is
sharing our stories from a position of pity
instead of power
and believing
that we have no power
and no voice.
Internalized ableism is
accepting the myth that if we need help,
we’re helpless,
that if we can’t move our bodies
we need somebody to live our lives for us,
accepting the lie that others know more than we do
about how to feel
even though we’re the only ones who have exist
in our disabled bodies.
Internalized ableism is
feeding the lies
that portray our lives as pathetic
and empty of joy,
purposeless and void
of any value and any hope,
believing the shit we have been fed,
and turning away from the struggles of others
because we don’t want
to see ourselves
there.
Internalized ableism is
believing that our mobility aids imprison us,
calling ourselves “wheelchair bound”, handicapped
and falling for the inspiration crap
that tells the world we are pitiful, needy, vulnerable and helpless
istead of the human potential that lives within all of us.
Internalized ableism is
accepting the medical model
as the model that defines our lives,
surrendering to the illusion
that inclusion
is something
that does not apply
to us, or something we do not
deserve.
Internalized ableism is
not making our access needs known
because they have been known
to inconvenience others.
So instead we accept half-ass access
or none at all, and do so while expressing gratitude
as if our rights were half-ass rights,
as if our needs were inferior
to the needs of others.
Internalized ableism is
letting other people raise our kids
because we’ve been convinced
that we don’t have what it takes to be parents.
It is
believing
disabled people should not be parents,
or that disabled children should not be born…..thinking
that disability
always is the worst possible outcome,
the worst possible consequence,
the most painful
punishment—something we can’t wish
on anyone.
Internalized ableism is
letting religious fanatics pray and prey over us,
and use our differences as scare tactic to explain
their version of God
as a punishing God
as a vengeful God.
Internalized ableism is
hiding our differences as much as we can,
concealing our scars,
covering our “imperfections”,
not being able to say “Disability Pride” with pride….
not feeling offended by the use of the word crip by noncrips,
allowing others to choose how to refer to us
and what language to use when doing so.
Internalized ableism is
only sharing
able-bodied pictures of ourselves
although we’ve been disabled for a while….
Not wanting to be friends
with other disabled people, reminding ourselves again
that we’re not one of them, and believing that “those people”
do have problems, but they’re not our problems
to worry about because…..well….
you know,
as long as we internalize our fears,
we can convince ourselves
they won’t come true
and live in our very own
Dis-abledbodied world where we can hide
our disabled side
until the day when, hopefully,
we realize that we have ALWAYS been
whole
that we have ALWAYS been worthy,
and we are finally able to see ourselves
in the mirror of others whose bodies look like ours,
whose lives reflect our lives
and find beauty and hope and human potential
instead of brokenness and fear and wasted humanity
for only when we recognize each other’s value, will our own humanity
make itself evident to ourselves
and to the world.
.
July 7, 2017 at 4:18 am
Reblogged this on Ruby Pratka – Year of No Fear and commented:
I will just leave this here.
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July 7, 2017 at 3:33 pm
I adore this poem so much. So much of it resonated with me. Thank you for writing it.
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August 20, 2017 at 1:30 pm
Very very powerful. Thank you!
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